I wanted to share a short version of my story from the perspective of a survivor of someone that has been directly affected by suicide. Recent news has broken my heart in a way that has made me realize that even the happiest faces can hide grotesque feelings of inadequacy. There is hope. Reach out- no matter what.
My Story
When I was 17, I received a phone call that forever altered the history of my life.
My dad had taken his own life.
As a result of this tragedy, I have limited memory. I have not been diagnosed with PTSD, but I can bet that it would be applied to my medical chart if I sought a diagnosis. I push out moments of time through perverted coping skills that I acquired from years of learning to deal with undefined emotions on my own. Just ask my husband how long it took me to finally remember the date of our anniversary. Six years.
There are other underlying issue that I dealt with for years after the news that my father had committed suicide.
As time passed, I started thinking about my two older brothers and how this event affected them. I would worry about losing them. I wondered if they were secretly hiding emotions and temptations of suicide.
To this day I haven’t openly discussed this with them. Mostly, because the wound from our father’s death seventeen years ago has scabbed over. Only occasionally do I let my mind wander to that place and begin picking at the crusted over terror. I quickly remember why I don’t visit much.
Thankfully, God saved my soul in October of 2004.
I was on a road that was going to lead me to a dead end in some form or fashion.
Once I realized that there is an eternal hope where I could place my past, present, and future, I knew that this was the answer.
Jesus is the answer to suicide. Those currently tempted and those who have survived.
I was given a book by my uncle and aunt shortly after my dad’s death. Honestly, I didn’t open it until a couple of years after receiving it. When I did, I read about a man that thinks I am precious in his sight- no matter what. A man that loves me- no matter how wretched I felt inside. This man was, of course, Jesus Christ.
I had a black hole of dread and emptiness in my heart and I was searching for something that could only be answered by the cross.
Learning To Love
Due to the handful of tragic events that have taken place in my life, I thought I would never know how to give or receive love appropriately. My mind had been distorted. At best, I could imitate how I imagined love was supposed to look like, but even then, I felt like I fell short.
After Jesus saved me, I learned about a love that covered every fear, anxiety, misconception, and torment that my flesh could wield.
His word became my sword for these emotions.
I slowly chopped down misguided feelings and replaced them with the rock solid truth of the Bible.
If You Feel Like No One Understands – Pick Up Your Phone
If you find yourself in a place of hopelessness and you are convinced that no one understands what you are going through, pick up your phone and call someone. If you think there is no one you can call that would possibly understand, then call this number: 1-800-273-8255. This phone number is one that you can call 24/7 and someone on the other line will be there and they understand. If you don’t feel like talking, then please text: HOME to 741741.
