Tag: Christian marriage

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I Didn’t Marry My Soulmate … On Purpose

I did not marry my soulmate. And my wife would agree. Before anyone picks up their pitchforks and torches, let me explain. The philosopher Plato is credited with coming up with this notion of “soulmates”. He  believed that prior to birth a perfect soul was split into “male and female,” and that to be complete they must find each other and “reunite their souls.”   Many people out there believe in this idea of soulmates.

We all have heard someone say:

“I’ve found my soulmate”  or

“We are meant to be together”  or

“He/She is the one”.

Some Christians believe in soulmates, saying that the love of their life is a “gift from God”.

The concept of finding one’s soulmate is something pop culture puts out there on what an ideal romantic relationship ‘should’ look like. We are told that when we find our ‘soulmates’ or ‘the one’, we will be happy and finally be complete. Sadly, this places unrealistic expectations on the relationship. If complications in the marriage begin to occur (and they inevitably will), some might take this as a sign this person must not be ‘the one’.

No wonder divorce in the United States is so high! Sadly,  4 in 10  marriages have ended in divorce.

Early on into our marriage, I viewed our relationship incorrectly. I thought getting married was going to usher in my own happiness. When things went wrong, doubt would set in. But later on I came to realize, I had the wrong perspective on what God’s purpose was for marriage. My purpose and completeness should come from God, not my wife.

Gary Thomas points out “the problem with looking to another human to complete us is that spiritually speaking, it’s idolatry. We are to find our fulfillment and purpose in God”¦and if we expect our spouse to be ‘God’ to us, he or she will fail every day. No person can live up to such expectations.”

As a society, we have an ungodly view on marriage that is more transactional. The pop culture perspective of marriage is focused more on what the other person brings to your life which is quite selfish. Having this perspective on your marriage will lead to disappointment and possibly divorce.

Marriage was not created by God to find our own personal happiness and purpose in another person. He designed marriage to reflect the love He has for us. Our marriages should model the kind of relationship that Christ has for His bride, we the church. We must model the love in our marriages as defined in Ephesians 5:25-30:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body.

This means pursuing a love in our marriages that is sacrificial, purifying, and unwavering. As Christians, our marriages should reflect the love Christ has for us. Marriage is about sharpening each other for our own salvation, not about finding our own personal happiness, purpose, and completeness in another person. Marriages are comprised of two broken people who came together to become one flesh. By having a godly perspective on the purpose of marriage provides the necessary building blocks for a successful and lifelong marriage. The pop culture perspective will only bring disappointment and unhappiness. When we fulfill God purpose for marriage, it will bring glory to Him and His kingdom.

My wife is not the one. She’s the one because I married her. When we came together, I was one, she was one, and when we got married, we became one. I didn’t marry her because we were destined to be together by fate. I married her because that was  my choice. And it was  her choice  to marry me. I love her because  I choose  to love her. And she loves me because  she chooses  to love me. No matter what  I will always choose  to love her every day for the rest of my life. This is my promise to her.

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What Should Be Different about a Christian Marriage?

What should be different about a Christian marriage?

You get a lot of advice before you get married.

“Never go to bed angry.”

“Keep dating.”

“Make your partner your first priority.”

“Don’t walk out during an argument.”

“It’s all about communication.”

So why on earth do so many marriages fail?

Reasons Why Couples Break Up

Marriage has gotten quite a bad reputation over the years. The butt of a seemingly infinite number of jokes, matrimony is a source of endless social commentary, gender politics, and governmental debate.  

According to recent University of Maryland divorce research, you’ve got about a 50/50 chance of growing old with your spouse. If the statistic did not shock you, the reasons many couples decide to separate will not either.

 “The relationship was built more on lust than a true partnership.”

“I wasn’t present.”

“We were together 15 years, I was unhappy for 11 of them.”

“We were co-parents, not lovers.”

“We didn’t choose to work on the marriage, day in and day out.”

“It was like we were on opposite teams.”

“Married too fast”

“Bedroom boredom”

I was a full-time manager in the marriage.  

“There was no respect.”

“There was no real intimacy.”

Many people mistakenly believe that most marriages end almost exclusively because of infidelity, however, while this certainly is a major factor, the decision to terminate a marriage is much more complicated.

“Conventional wisdom tells us that those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it.”

A marriage is a lot like buying a new car. Driving it out of the showroom is bliss. As you cruise off you can hardly believe your luck. Everything feels,  sounds, smells and looks perfect. You coast through many months—sometimes even years— of happy driving before the car needs an MOT or service. But like a car, when a relationship eventually breaks down, it’s flabbergasting; you’re left stuck on the side of the road trying to figure out what on earth went wrong and realise that no car or relationship comes with a lifetime guarantee.

Christ-centred Marriage

“Our culture still shapes our thinking and conduct regarding marriage to an incredible degree.”

It’s easy to think that only “other people” get divorced. That your own marriage is somehow immune to heartache, infidelity and fights over who gets the house, car and dog. After all, how many of us would walk down the aisle if we knew for sure that our relationships would end up in divorce court.

Viewing Marriage Realistically

Christian or not, marriage is difficult for any couple to sustain over a lifetime. Life’s trials—the pressure of making a living, of parenting, of resisting temptations to unfaithfulness or selfishness.  But Christian marriage offers hope.  

“We have to stop asking of marriage what God never designed it to give — perfect happiness, conflict-free living, and idolatrous obsession.”

Christians marriages should be shaped by the cross of Christ, the Word of God, and the Spirit of God.

“Above all things have fervent love for one another, for ‘love will cover a multitude of sins’ ” (1 Peter 4:8).

“Her husband ”¦ praises her” (Proverbs 31:28).

“She who is married cares ”¦ how she may please her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:34).

“Be kindly affectionate to one another ”¦ in honor giving preference to one another” (Romans 12:10).

“Pray for one another” (James 5:16).

“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself” (1 Corinthians 13:4).

Successful marriages don’t just happen; they must be developed.

Serving Our Spouse

Another key component in a Christian marriage is selflessness, as described in Philippians 2:3-4. The principle of humility outlined in these verses is crucial to a strong Christian marriage. If happiness is our primary goal, we’ll get a divorce as soon as happiness seems to wane.  With greater awareness of the principle of thought, many marriages can be saved and even strengthened.

Becoming “one” is about more than sex. It requires a level of vulnerability that opens the door for deep hurt. Both husband and wife must consider their partner’s needs before their own, which requires a selflessness that is only possible by the power of the Holy Spirit who indwells them.

“Focus on your spouse’s strengths rather than their weaknesses.”

“Encourage rather than criticize.”

“Pray for your spouse instead of gossiping about them.”

“Learn and live what Christ teaches about relating to and loving others.”

It is a partnership of love, made richer and deeper through sex.  Continue—or revive—your courtship into your married life.

Marriage isn’t always easy and the sad reality is that not all “I dos” end with a happily ever after. However, the primary difference between a Christian marriage and a non-Christian marriage should be that Christ is the centre of the marriage. With a Christ-centered relationship, an other-centered attitude and an unwavering commitment to making it work, your marriage can flourish — just as God designed.

Which of these reasons is most true in your marriage? Please share with me below.

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Poem: The Unravelling of a Christian Marriage

Marry the wrong person, everyday is Martyrs Day.
Marry a lazy person, everyday is Labour Day.
Marry a rich person everyday is New Year’s Day.
Marry an immature person, everyday would seem like Children’s Day.
Marry a cheater or liar, everyday will become April Fool’s Day.
And if you don’t get married, everyday is Independence Day!

Marriage is the only school where you get a certificate before you start.
It’s also a school where you will never graduate.
It’s a school without a break or a free period.
It’s a school where no one is allowed to drop out.
It’s a school you will have to attend everyday of your life.
It’s a school where there is no sick leave or holidays.
It’s a school founded by God on the foundation of love.
The walls are made out of trust.
The door made out of acceptance.
The windows made out of understanding
The furniture made out of blessings
The roof made out of faith.

Be reminded that God is the only Principal and you are a student,
Even in times of storms, don’t be unwise and run outside.
Keep in mind that, this school is the safest place to be.
Never go to sleep before completing your assignments for the day.
Never forget  to communicate with your classmate and with the Principal.
If you find out something about your classmate (spouse) that you do not appreciate.
Remember your classmate is also just a student, not a graduate.
God is not finished with him/her yet.
So take it as a challenge and work on it together.
Do not forget to study the Holy Book (the main textbook of this school).
Start each day with a sacred assembly and end it the same way.

Sometimes you will feel like not attending classes, yet you have to.
When tempted to quit find courage and continue.
Some tests and exams may be tough but remember,
the Principal knows how much you can bear and yet it’s a school better than any other.

It’s one of the best schools on earth;
joy, peace and happiness accompany each lesson of the day.

Different subjects are offered in this school, yet love is the major subject.
After all the years of theorising about it, now you have a chance to practice it.

To be loved is a good thing, but to love is the greatest privilege of them all.
Marriage is a place of love, so love your spouse.

Whether you’re married, engaged, or still single, we hope that you have found wisdom and encouragement in this poem about marriage.  

 

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