Laura Hurd

June 9, 2018June 9, 2018

Laura’s Story: How I’m Coping after Losing My Father to Suicide

I wanted to share a short version of my story from the perspective of a survivor of someone that has been directly affected by suicide. Recent news has broken my heart in a way that has made me realize that even the happiest faces can hide grotesque feelings of inadequacy. There is hope. Reach out- no matter what.

My Story

When I was 17, I received a phone call that forever altered the history of my life.

My dad had taken his own life.

As a result of this tragedy, I have limited memory. I have not been diagnosed with PTSD, but I can bet that it would be applied to my medical chart if I sought a diagnosis. I push out moments of time through perverted coping skills that I acquired from years of learning to deal with undefined emotions on my own. Just ask my husband how long it took me to finally remember the date of our anniversary. Six years.

There are other underlying issue that I dealt with for years after the news that my father had committed suicide.

As time passed, I started thinking about my two older brothers and how this event affected them. I would worry about losing them. I wondered if they were secretly hiding emotions and temptations of suicide.

To this day I haven’t openly discussed this with them. Mostly, because the wound from our father’s death seventeen years ago has scabbed over. Only occasionally do I let my mind wander to that place and begin picking at the crusted over terror. I quickly remember why I don’t visit much.

Thankfully, God saved my soul in October of 2004.

I was on a road that was going to lead me to a dead end in some form or fashion.

Once I realized that there is an eternal hope where I could place my past, present, and future, I knew that this was the answer.

Jesus is the answer to suicide. Those currently tempted and those who have survived.

I was given a book by my uncle and aunt shortly after my dad’s death. Honestly, I didn’t open it until a couple of years after receiving it. When I did, I read about a man that thinks I am precious in his sight- no matter what. A man that loves me- no matter how wretched I felt inside. This man was, of course, Jesus Christ.

I had a black hole of dread and emptiness in my heart and I was searching for something that could only be answered by the cross.

Learning To Love

Due to the handful of tragic events that have taken place in my life, I thought I would never know how to give or receive love appropriately. My mind had been distorted. At best, I could imitate how I imagined love was supposed to look like, but even then, I felt like I fell short.

After Jesus saved me, I learned about a love that covered every fear, anxiety, misconception, and torment that my flesh could wield.

His word became my sword for these emotions.

I slowly chopped down misguided feelings and replaced them with the rock solid truth of the Bible.

If You Feel Like No One Understands – Pick Up Your Phone

If you find yourself in a place of hopelessness and you are convinced that no one understands what you are going through, pick up your phone and call someone. If you think there is no one you can call that would possibly understand, then call this number: 1-800-273-8255. This phone number is one that you can call 24/7 and someone on the other line will be there and they understand. If you don’t feel like talking, then please text: HOME to 741741.

May 26, 2018

Because I Can’t Kneel At The Altar I’m A Weak Christian?

I want to jump right into this post to spare details that would require me to rehash feelings and memories that once left me spiritually paralyzed.

But I can’t.

These words need to be written and poured out from the aching fluid in my joints that have crippled my legs.

There was a time when I claimed my spot at the altar. It was an unspoken reverence that relished because I could safely walk forward to the front of the church. I didn’t have to worry about people staring or judging or assuming. I could kneel and figuratively lay my burdens at the feet of Jesus.

The altar is a sacred place. The rich history of it’s versatility is scattered throughout the Bible. In the church today, the altar serves as a place of prayer, a way to the pulpit, a setting for the Easter cantata, and much more. One could easily argue the functionality.

However when viewed through the broken lens of idolatry, the altar can bring pain.

When Viewed through the broken lens of idolatry, the altar can bring pain.

Before entering into the truth of God’s word by becoming a member of a church of the Southern Baptist Convention, my faith in Christ was defined by the appearance of my stature.

Taking a trip back to those times, I remember that when it was time for prayer, almost everyone in that small country church came forward. Among those left in the pews were a handful of persons that were possibly crippled by their own various diseases. At the time, my autoimmune disease was under control. I was able to walk forward, find my place, and effortlessly kneel down on the floor. It was a special moment.

As time passed by, the false doctrine that was being preached continually pierced my heart. I was under a fake conviction that I had to look and be a certain type of person for Christ to accept me. I honestly believed that if I missed church that God was watching over me in heaven with a look of deep disapproval; not taking into consideration that I couldn’t possibly attend a particular Sunday because I was puking my guts up in the bathroom. It didn’t matter.

I honestly believed that if I missed church that God was watching over me in heaven with a look of deep disapproval…

Prayer is a sacred gift that Christians are given through salvation.

In the midst of a painful divorce, I walked through the doors Ridgeview Baptist Church in hopes of finding relief from my heartache.

Not only did I find relief, I found new friends, new ministry opportunities, and most importantly, a new doctrine.

The difference in worship, preaching, and teaching was a blaring signal in my soul that I had been duped.

The love that flowed here was not from false pretense of how good I could pray or my attendance record. It was the unconditional type toward which the Bible calls all Christians.

Over time, my beliefs changed and God’s amazing grace became a thing.

Never once did I consider the words from the old hymn as I did when I realized that God’s love for me was not dependent on my physical posture at the altar.

Yes, I still think that if God is calling you toward the front of the church that you should go. I believe that it is still a beautiful response for healing, help, and encouragement.

We are to encourage one another to good works, but, working is not kneeling at the cross. Helping a sister pray through a difficult time looks more like Jesus than bent knees with a heart of idolatry. Consider the text:

First he said, “Sacrifices and offerings, burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not desire, nor were you pleased with them”—though they were offered in accordance with the law. 9 Then he said, “Here I am, I have come to do your will.” He sets aside the first to establish the second. 10 And by that will, we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.

11 Day after day every priest stands and performs his religious duties; again and again he offers the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins.

—————-

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

26 If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left…
Jesus paid it all.

Religion has no place in the house of the Lord. Jesus’s death on the cross was the abolishment of such practices that would cause us to fall into the trap of the law.

The law smothers love. It handcuffs grace to the idea that we are good enough to save ourselves.

Because we love Jesus is the answer to those burdensome rituals that press down and squeeze life from our already bruised bodies.

I may make it to the altar again one day.

Until then, I am reassured that God sees the posture of my heart.

May 21, 2018

Smiling Page Boy at Royal Wedding That Captured the Heart of Christ

Millions of Americans forsook their precious Saturday morning sleep for the chance to tune into a grand moment in history.

Whether you’re a fan of the royal family or not, I think we can all agree that this live event was something to behold.

Some argue the simplicity of two hearts being joined together as everyday fodder.

Others, like myself, were perhaps caught off guard by the magnitude and solitude of the ceremony.

The sights and sounds set the stage for a fairytale moment in time. When, for a brief encounter, we saw a piece of our common selves lain in the vows between Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

As I marveled at the procession, my heart was enthralled at the sight of a little page boy.

Upon entering the castle and hearing the orchestrated music thunder through the century old walls, it was obvious this child was having the time of his life.

I wondered if the thousands of viewers on this particular live feed had just experienced the delightful joy that was found in his innocent face of wonder.

My throat tightened a bit and I was puzzled at the puddle of tears that had formed in the corner of my right eye.

Within seconds, I determined that I would store away the picture of a toothless smile- to use as a reminder of the essence of God. A mental note that could bring us all back to ground level- to recapture the awe of the simple rugged cross that held a remarkable man with an extraordinary plan for the world.

Click here to watch the clip!

March 30, 2018

Unravelled

Reflecting upon 2017

A new year is bestowed upon us once again. Once again I find myself reflecting on the previous year. Likewise, I am praising God for triumphs and trusting Him with ongoing struggles as our family prepares for 2018.

Thankfully, last year brought healing for myself and my family. This was more of a spiritual, soul healing. The year started off with leftover pain from the latter part 2016. Once spring rolled around, I was ready to let go and give my hurts to God. Once I was able to lay it down and walk away, God smiled as He tenderly comforted me. His forgiveness allowed me to forgive.

Around the same time I was finally able to move forward from the pain I had held onto for so long, my husband lost his job. Now, surprisingly this wasn’t much of a storm for us. God had strengthened us from a previous job loss that lasted a year. At this point, we had learned to do a nice little jig in the rain. It’s a great testament to God’s handiwork through previous trials when you can fully trust him in the valley.

The job loss lasted a few months and our family was met with an open door from a company that would give us hope for the future. This new job opportunity required my husband to work out of state for two weeks at a time. He would then be home one week and return for another go around. The job was physically demanding for my husband. Not only that but working in full gear, combating RA symptoms, in the summer heat did a number on him.

After one of his shifts, he called me as he did every other night. He was very discouraged and I could tell his voice was weak. He was telling me that he just couldn’t do the job. I knew in my heart he had the most determination I had ever seen in a person. I never imagined that he would really have to quit.

But he did. I was devastated.

After I had some time to process the situation, I was able to determine what caused all of my angst. I had built my hope so high on this job and the promise of a better future. When this came crashing down I unravelled. I don’t think I have ever been so caught off guard with something that I felt I had some kind of control over. In reality, I had zero control. However, I had already planned on these future dreams for our family and I assumed that it was written in stone. When the tablets were scattered in pieces below my feet, I just couldn’t handle it. It took a few days, but I eventually got over it. My husband and I also had a nice laugh about how crazy I had acted! Not only that, but I realized that sometimes God will allow you to unravel to preserve you with His truths.

“Sometimes God will allow you to unravel to preserve you with His truths.”

God is sovereign

Regardless of how I thought things should turn out, God ended up having a job waiting on my husband when he got home. I knew this was some of that amazing mercy being poured out from our loving Heavenly Father.

The rest of the year was mostly uneventful and it was a welcome change.

Well, almost.

Fast forward to the day after Christmas. At 7:30 that night, my husband and I found ourselves in the ER with our four-year-old son. He had a broken elbow. Did I mention he is autistic and mostly nonverbal? Yea. Good times.

Even though I was dreading the visit, I knew I had to be strong. I had envisioned the worst possible scenario in my mind and I was expecting it to go down for everyone to see. This is what I like to call autism awareness; real-life meltdowns in public places that include shrieks, hitting, and tears. Sometimes I try to explain and sometimes I just let the actions of my child do it for me.

We got back to the room and waited for the doctor. After several pain-filled X-rays came the diagnosis and a temporary splint.

We returned home and my husband was shaken to the core. It was definitely an unwanted visit, but it had gone better than for what I had prepared. God had so strengthened my weary heart over the past year that, I felt as if he was giving me a new perception of our special needs world.

My son sat there on the ER bed, screaming. No words to express the pain and anxiety. Only high-pitched dissatisfaction to portray how he felt in that moment. Right before they came to splint his arm, he had let out the loudest, highest-pitched yell that I had ever heard. While he was belting it out, his eyes were locked steadily on mine. Halfway through the noise, I could clearly hear what my son was saying. “I’m scared, mommy.”

I had held it together up to that point. But, even as the tears rolled uncontrollably down my cheeks, for the first time, my heart had a clear purpose. I understood why God had chosen us for this special needs journey.

I couldn’t stop thinking about how many special needs children and adults have been left out in the cold by families who would rather not.

These families decided they would rather not have autism in their lives. They would rather not have to deal with the stress that comes along with raising a child with special needs. They would rather not, but rather let someone else handle it. More than likely an institution or the state government.

I have read about the institutions that housed special needs children and adults in the 1940’s. My stomach turned and my heart broke reading about the living conditions. Not to mention the abuse. The parents of those precious souls decided they would rather not. By the sounds of it, the people that were to be caring for those that couldn’t care for themselves had made the same decision. There is nary a word in the Oxford dictionary that can give justice to what those children went through.

All of these thoughts had pierced my heart the instant I heard my son scream his lungs out- his only way of communication.

Yes, he was helpless. Yes, my heart broke for him.

What hurts the most was knowing that there are still families that decide that they would rather not. Instead of institutions, they choose cages or closets in their own home. They would rather not, so they literally put their autistic child out of sight AND out of mind.

So, when my husband talked about how hard that trip was, I was secretly rejoicing.

We are so very privileged to be able to provide the care our son needs. We are blessed that our family was chosen to freely extend the love of Jesus to a child that has needs outside of society’s norm.

Autism Acceptance

Which brings me to the sum of the autism equation.

Because modern medicine has made leaps and bounds since the days of special needs institutions, autism families are more empowered. Families are given sooner diagnoses and quicker treatment plans. Often times, these plans include a team of people that come alongside the family for care and support. It’s a far cry from cold sterile rooms and days without normal human interaction.

As these families gain support through therapies and treatments, their load is greatly lifted. They are more likely to venture out in public and risk a meltdown. Instead of feeling abandoned and alone within the walls of their homes, they feel like society is warming up to the idea of autism and the uncanny nature that comes with it.

And therein lies the solution.

Love. Understanding. Acceptance.